Alive,yet dead,i walk alone,in rooms with walls as cold as stone.

I need to tell you about my mother. My mother is an example, a shining example of inner strength in the face of adversity. If I find myself beating up, or feeling blue, or awash in self-pity I can turn my mind to my beautiful mother and draw strength and courage from her. I love her for her strength and i hate her for her ego.
I'm not sure how it works but I guess my mother has been independent her whole life. She was alone no family members were around apart from my father when i was growing up but generally she kept to herself or hung around with me. We haven't been close our entire lives, best friends in the face of a home life .
Every birthday the only present I would get would be from my motherr, A bike, a skateboard, a stereo, remote control cars, dolls all the things that we thought normal kids would get and that we always felt we missed out on. She devoted her life looking after me.
After my brother's death I cannot conceive what would run through her mind, the dark doors of her mind after something like that. I cannot conceive how she held her head high and continued to fight on and be strong and not let any hold any power on whether or not she would be happy.
She was always the first to dance, the first to smile, the first to laugh and take me out and do silly voices and run down the street grinning and jumping and holding her head high when i was little.
My mother and i always had such a complicated relationship but we are close. Closer even than my mother and father are and I am always the favourite.
So why am I telling you all this?
Inner strength???
She's calm , in love, working hard and outrageously happy. Once again, she's proved to me that she has the guts to climb back up just when life is at it's darkest.
And here I am today, worrying about everything ,heart tearing apart,run out of tears ,I am having the worst day...I have had the worst week...I have cried and hurt harder than I have ever in my life.............falling apart...........I realise
I am, falling apart...............



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